Back to the Drawing Board...

I finally did it.

I stopped listening to the lies and accepting the deceit.

I kicked him out.

Well, that's not entirely true. He packed his stuff and left on his own, because he wasn't willing to work on...anything.

I told him, a few days ago, straight-up, that he was not providing me with what I needed in the relationship. He rolled his eyes, and I just sighed a bit, knowing what was going to happen, next. I told him that I wanted him to think about whether he wanted me, or whether he just wanted the convenience of a girlfriend, and to decide if he was going to leave, or stay.

He left on Tuesday.

I was sad...for a minute. Then, I realized that I wasn't really going to miss him. I was going to miss the idea of what he could have been, had he not cheated on me and used me to his own desires.

So, yeah, within the span of 7 hours, I was over him.

It was a learning experience, for me.

I learned that, even though I have incredibly acute instincts, my emotions will fog my judgement. That's something that I've been trying to "fix" for the last 5 years. It's gotten much better, but it still needs work. I need to figure out a way to think objectively and logically, especially when the man I love is around. You see...I'm good at "knowing" that I'm being used and that I need to something about it while he is at work, or otherwise away from me, but as soon as I see him, I cave.

*gags*

So, yeah, I'm single, again...which is honestly what I prefer, anyway. It was nice to have someone to come home to, and it was nice to be able to curl up with a man on a cold night, but it's really not worth the baggage that came along with it. And, yes, though I'm jaded, I know not every man will use me...though, if they do, I'd prefer they use me for sex, rather than a vehicle and a roof.

Seriously, though...

We had sex 3 times in 2 months.

THREE TIMES!

If he'd have just fucked my brains out every night, he could have continued to use me for the vehicle and the roof. I wouldn't have cared a bit. At least then I would have been getting SOMETHING out of it.

Men.

Are.

Idiots.

Ack! Holiday!

Happy Turkey Day!

There. I've acknowledged your existence in my life, and the holiday...can I go back to bed now?

No? I'm forced to socialize with you? WHY!?

Oh. We're family. Well, way to guilt me into it. I'll spend the rest of the day with people I'd really rather never see, because we happened to be related. Sounds fantastic.

Don't get me wrong! I love my family...most of them...most of the time. The problem is, I'm the black sheep. I'm the almost-thirty-spinster who "can't keep a man or a job" (*won't* keep a man...the job thing is true) and is going to "die miserable and alone". Yeah, well, so are you, dick. I have "more cats than sense". So not true. I have 4 cats, and I have a whole jar of cents. (HA!)

I'm the alcoholic of the family, because I enjoy myself. I'm unhealthy, because I smoke. I'm also entirely too easy to use, apparently. Nobody ever calls to just say hi...it's only when they want something out of me.

Oh, which reminds me! I'm also the family slut. (Because I won't keep a man...kinda goes without saying, doesn't it?)

"Bitter, much?" You ask. "This is the time to be thankful for all that you have, not to go on a bitch-fest. You're just an ungrateful brat!"

*takes a bow*

I am thankful for what I have. Mostly, my sense of people. I am extremely grateful for my common sense and my ability to read between the lines of what people are saying to get to what they are *actually saying*.

I'm thankful for my friends' parents, who took me in when I had nowhere else to go, something my own "blood" wouldn't do.

I'm thankful for my friends, themselves, who are more like family to me than the one I was born into.

I'm thankful for my cats. (Look out! Crazy Cat Lady coming through!)

I'm thankful for steady meals.

I'm thankful to just be alive. Life is the best adventure story I will ever experience!

I'm not, however, thankful for this god-forsaken time of year. The fake smiles and false promises. The bullshit we tell ourselves so we make that phone call we've been dreading all year.

Seriously, though. If your family is so fucking important to you, why do you only make the effort to prove it, a couple times a year?

I hate the holidays.

Hide and Seek

The quickest way to get me not to trust you is to hide shit. It doesn't have to be life-or-death shit, either. If you're not 100%, up-front and honest with me, I consider you a liar. I hate liars.

This is pretty much THE reason I don't talk to my family...ever. There are so many "secrets" in that fold that I don't even know who's telling the truth anymore. I just stay out of it. If someone really needs me, they can call and I'll be there, but I don't go visiting just to say hi. Nope.

Which leads back to why I can't stand the holiday season. Everybody is all smiles and fake niceties for two or three days a year, then it's right back to lies, back-stabbing and bitchiness. Yeah...I'm kinda good with all that. I much prefer to sit at home with my cats and watch TV than deal with my family.

Back to liars. It seems that I have a tendency to surround myself with them. Every man I fall for is a liar. Every one of them. Some are just embellishers of the truth, others flat-out lie to my face. (Ironically, I prefer the ones who lie to my face. At least they have balls.)

When a woman asks a man if he's single, and he's not, his response should be "No." Right? That's the truth. The fact that D lies about being single to these online bitches pisses me off. I get it. It's nice to flirt, every now and then, but when you tell a woman you're single, you set expectations that the flirting might lead to more. It's unbelievable how many women he tells that to, too. Jesus.

He told me the same thing, which makes me wonder how many girls he was stringing along before he moved in, here...and how many he still has on the hook, honestly. When I met him, online, I asked him if he'd had any luck with meeting anyone, yet. His response: "Not a single date." I thought to myself that it sucked and offered to have him come down so we could meet. Who else has done that? How many women have offered to meet him because of that tired old line?

Now, we could be optimistic here and say, "Well, he's living with me, so what does it matter?" It matters. If he's not telling other women that he's got a girlfriend...that he's LIVING with his girlfriend...then he's looking for something else. He's either a pathological cheater, or he wants a "Safety Net". He's the kind of man who has to have someone. He's hasn't been single for more than 6-months, since he was 15! ....15! That's 17 years of measuring his self-worth by whether or not he's single.

That's a little too much baggage, I think. Even for me.

The question is, what do I do now?

Every instinct in my body is telling me to leave.

My heart is telling me otherwise.

I have this distinct feeling that as soon as his truck is out of the shop, he'll be gone, anyway. I honestly think the only reason he's sticking around is because he has no other way to get around, at the moment, other than my sister's truck...

We'll see...

You're Doing it Wrong

*facepalm*

OK!

It seems I need to go over some very basic rules of relationships. Again.

#1. Don't cheat.

#2. If you're going to cheat, don't be stupid about it.

*sigh*

I'm not an idiot. My heart tends to govern my head, most of the time, but I'm not an idiot. I know when something isn't right. I have instincts. Most people do. This is why, if you're going to cheat on the person who loves you, you need to take extra caution not to raise suspicions. There is no better detective than a suspicious woman. Believe that. (Women cheat, too...however, men tend to be more of the "don't-get-mad-get-even" mindset, so there's less...destruction when a woman is caught...)

I'm not an idiot. (Am I trying to convince myself, or you?)

Yeah...so, long post short...here goes:

How Not to Get Caught Cheating

#1. No paper trails.
This one seems simple as deleting messaging history and using cash, but it's not. Nothing sets off red flags more than a man who spends a lot of time on his phone, with an empty message cache. That $41.50 charge at the gas station, for a pack of gum? ...really, guys? *sighs* Amateurs.

Leave messages in your cache. (Not those ones, you moron...) Don't delete your whole inbox just because of a few naughty messages. As soon as you get a picture of those firm young tits, delete it. If you want to lick your mistress's...(um...yeah...ew, btw...) yahoo, tell her that shit in person. Have a text conversation with your mistress. A normal, everyday conversation, and leave it there to be seen. If your wife asks (AND ONLY IF SHE ASKS!), tell her it's a girl you met online about the same time you met her (your wife), or "Sheila's a gal from the office. I changed her tire the other day. Sweet girl." That's all you need. Change the subject, QUICK, and use some subtlety. (...we'll go over how to be SUBTLE in a minute, just bear with me...)

No cash ATM withdrawals. No huge Cash Back advances ($5-10 when you get gas is usually the best bet, and PAY INSIDE). If you get a paper check, cash it, don't deposit it. Put aside a little cash for your rendezvouses, and deposit the rest in the joint account. Don't open a separate account. (You'll forget a deposit slip, somewhere, someday, and then you're fucked...figuratively speaking.)

#2. Don't stop having sex with your current partner. (Side note: DUH!)
A man will not NOT touch a woman he is attracted to. Period. If he's in love with you (hell, even if he's in LIKE with you, or maybe you just met at the bar, or the movies...), he will paw you from dawn until dusk. Sex is important in a relationship, especially to men. The only reason a man will ever stop fucking HIS woman is because he's either A) no longer attracted to you (tough break, kiddo) or B) Looking to get his rocks off, elsewhere (or he already is). So, if you want to keep the home and the mistress, FUCK YOUR WIFE! (And make her scream, dude...none of this obligatory bullshit, either.)

#3. Stop bragging about it.
Bullshit, you do too. Men have an inherent need to be Bigger and Better. So, when your single buddies start bragging about the girl they banged the night before, you MUST control yourself. One of your guy friends could very well be a friend of your wife, too. It will get back to her. So, stop it!

#4. Don't talk down about your wife to anybody. EVER!
Even the odd comment about nagging wives in the line at the supermarket will dig you into a hole you will not get out of in one piece. You are her champion, even if you are a sniveling, lying dirtbag. She, regardless of what you do behind her back, is the most important person in your life. She's gotten you out of more scraps than your mother, no doubt. Show some fucking respect!

#5. Don't volunteer information.
"Oh, my friend Sheila, at work..." "Sheila said something so funny, today..." "Sheila was flirting with me..." "Sheila..." "Sheila..." "Sheila..." We don't care. K? We don't give a flying fuck what another woman did for you, or to you, or AT you, or WITH you...ever. Ok? As far as we are concerned, WE (wives) are the *only* woman in your life. Period. The more you talk about other women, the more we suspect you. Once we suspect that you're cheating, we're like bloodhounds. Any detail you've forgotten about will be found, and scrutinized deeply. Make it harder for us by never mentioning another woman's name (other than her friends or your family. period) ever.

#6. Be subtle. 
I know this one is hard for you. It's not your fault. You are almost *genetically incapable* of being subtle. Even males of other species are more adept at Flashy, LOOK-AT-ME, LOOK-AT-ME, Games than subtlety. It's ok. I'll walk you through it.
Notice that your wife got a haircut? No you didn't...trust me...We don't expect you to notice, so when you do, it's just weird to us. Don't be weird.
See that really hot waitress? Take a look. Don't drool on yourselves or go out of your way to turn around in your chair to see her ass. Glance at her when she walks by the table, and when your wife raises an eyebrow at you, wink and grin. She'll probably roll her eyes and go back to the menu. (Use caution with that one. If you know you have a jealous woman, don't do that one. That one will get you hurt.)
When you see your mistress out and about, don't go out of your way to ignore her. This one is tricky... If you see the Other Woman at a bar, go up and say hi. Give her a brief hug and tell her, quietly, that your wife is there. Then, point her out and tell her to wave. Your wife will get her hackles raised, almost guaranteed (remember that WE are the only women in your life that matter). Now, you head back over to your wife and wait for her to ask questions. Again, DO NOT volunteer information! If she wants to know, she'll ask. If she asks you, keep it brief. "Gal from work..." (GAL or GIRL or LADY...never, ever, ever, ever, FUCKING EVER! use the word "Friend"...dead man walking) "...Gal from work." Yeah. That's all you need to tell her. Don't worry about her asking the other woman. We women are conniving bitches and two-faced as hell. Your mistress doesn't want her ass beaten, so she'll cover for you.

Which brings us to the most important one...

#7. Set expectation and boundaries with the mistress.
Don't forget to do this. Lay down the law, here. Tell her only the truth. We already know you're a coward, so don't promise to leave your wife for her. (You would have left, by now, if you're so unhappy.) Let the other woman know that you have a family, a house and a job that you will not sacrifice for her, and that she is just a release from all that entails.
Do not let her call or text you when you are home.
Do not, under any circumstances, give her your home number or your wife's number. (Idiots.)
Don't add her on Facebook. (Again, idiots.)
She does not exist unless you are at her place, or the hotel. Period. (If she does, then it's time to reconsider the marriage...you're looking for more than just sex.)

Finally, I just have to say, don't cheat. Jesus Christ. You're a grown fucking man. Get over yourself, alright. You made the decision to commit yourself to ONE woman for the rest of your life. Follow through. Don't be a bitch and pull out half-way through the marathon. Jesus. Just....wow, you pussy.

If something is wrong with the relationship you're in, either get out or fix it. Be a fucking man, you pussy.

Always trust your instincts...ALWAYS!

Yeah, so...

Men are morons...

Well, not ALL men. My dad was pretty cool...

I should have learned, by now, after everything that I've been put through, to trust my instincts. Nope. That lesson hasn't been thoroughly slammed home, apparently. I am so done with liars. Just done. (Warning: The following post may contain man-bashing, cussing, and will most definitely be a rant!)

"Mindy"...

Mindy is the reason my boyfriend hasn't made a sexual advance toward me in almost a month; I practically had to beg him for sex, last time, and that was almost a week ago... Mindy is the reason he has been on his phone more often than not. Mindy is the reason he got grabby when I picked his phone up off the shelf, the other day, to plug it into the charger... (Which was another mistake he made...that just screams "I'm hiding something!")

Though, when I think about it, I was never really blind. I've had a nagging feeling in the back of my head for at least the last couple weeks. My instincts have been telling me to back away. I just didn't do it. That stupidity lies solely on me. Live and...do the same things over and over again, apparently. Oy!

I've had this feeling that he's been unfaithful for a while now. Never had the proof, til a couple weeks ago (even that was "sketchy"...all I could prove was that he was flirting, online, with another woman: Mindy). Yes, I found that information in all the wrong ways. I snooped. It was wrong, but he would have lied to me if I had just asked him about it. Still, I invaded his privacy and I regret doing it; not the act itself, honestly, but I really wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

I even went so far as to contact this "Mindy" person. She, of course, denied everything, until I told her that she has nice tits in her pink tank top. Yeah, bitch, caught you in a lie, too. They've "been friends for a while. Never met, no plans to meet." ...riiiiight. Whatever you say, sweetie.

This isn't about her, though...or the indiscretion. This is about the fact that, when I brought up that he flirts a lot online, he denied it. He looked me in my eyes and said, "I talk to a lot of people, but I never flirt." Fucking LIAR!

All he would have had to say is..."Yeah, I flirt, but that's all it is. I come home to you"...or something similar and NONE of this would have happened. I wouldn't have gone through his phone. I wouldn't have seen proof that he's planning to meet this woman and that he wants to "spank her" because she's a "naughty little girl for showing" him her tits and pressing his "horny button". Fuck my life. Ew.

I've been nothing but faithful to him, and believe me, I've had the chances...notice the pluralization. I get up before him to make breakfast and start coffee for him. I make sure he's taken care of when he's sick or in pain. I make him laugh when he's "blah"... Not saying I'm perfect, but God Dammit, I've been GOOD to him. He thanks me by doing shit behind my back.

Motherfucker, if you want to flirt, then fucking FLIRT! I don't give a damn! But don't LIE to me, to my face, about it. Pull up your MeetMe profile and your POF profile and whatever else you have, and talk to the bitches while I'm in the room, so I know you have nothing to hide. And, hey! If you get nervous that I'm going to see what your saying to this other woman, maybe you SHOULDN'T BE SAYING IT TO HER!!! That's your conscience's way of saying, "This is wrong! Knock it off!"

My cop friend (yes, that one) invited me out for a ride-along, last night, but I didn't go. Why? Because I didn't feel right doing it, knowing that my man was at home. I made that decision, not based on what I wanted (really, really wanted to go) but rather on how it would make my man feel. Why is that so fucking hard for his tiny brain to comprehend!? It doesn't matter what you want to do, sometimes; sometimes it matters how your actions are going to affect those you love.

Don't do something that you know is going to upset your significant other, just for the sake of "I do what I want!" ...ok, Cartman! Fucking CHILD!

Teenage bullshit! "I shouldn't be doing this, because my mommy would be mad, but I'm going to do it anyway, because I'm a fucking badass! Look how Badass I am! :P"

So, now, the decision I have to make, on my own, is whether or not to confront him, AGAIN, but with proof, this time... I don't know. Maybe I should just throw his shit outside and lock the door. Or throw it in the burn bin... No, I won't destroy his stuff. Taking away his roof and access to a vehicle would be enough of a kick to the face.

Or, do I take the high ground and try to talk through this? Do I try to get him to come clean with me, to confess? Then what? Do I reward the bad behavior (cheating) or the good (honesty) by letting him stay? Or, do I say nothing and just do a little indiscretion of my own? (That would be vindictive, yes, I know...)

You know what the kicker, here, is?

I asked him, when we first got together, what he considers "cheating"...everyone has their own boundaries, and it's a good idea to know what those boundaries are so they aren't crossed, accidentally.

He said: "Talking to any other man as if you were talking to me." He doesn't care that I have guy friends, as long as I don't talk about how much I want their cock. (lol, sorry, I'm 12: COCK!) So, by his own definition, he has cheated on me! What kind of fuckery is that?!

I just...

What?!

Jesus Christ.

THIS IS WHY I MISS BEING SINGLE!

Jealousy or Caution?

Something happened tonight that got me thinking...and probably over-thinking. My stomach is in knots, which is raising red-flags, and my instincts are screaming for me to pull back because I'm going to get hurt. I'm trying to ignore it, simply because I'm having these feelings because they are preconceived and based solely on how somebody other than my current partner has treated me. He has been nothing but caring and genuine...he's not the one who hurt me...

But it still hurts.

My Partner has a lot of female friends, which is totally cool, because I have more guy friends than girl friends. Not even a problem. I am, however, uncomfortable with the fact that he is spending the night at one of his "just friends" houses, tonight.

I trust him. He's never given me reason not to, but I am extremely uncomfortable with him staying over at another female's house. I know he would be upset if I were to spend the night with another man. That is exactly why I wouldn't sleep over at another man's house; I don't want him to be uncomfortable. It's something we're supposed to do, right? We're supposed to make sure we don't do anything that would cause them pain...?

Now, something else that bothers me about tonight is that he immediately went on the defensive when I told him that I was uncomfortable with the situation. "You gonna get pissed because I'm hanging out with a friend?" Didn't say I was mad. I said I was uncomfortable. I'll never, ever tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. He has a life separate from me, just as I have a life separate from him.

The problem I'm having, here, is not that I think he's going to cheat on me; the problem I'm having is that he got defensive when I expressed my discomfort, that he didn't ask my opinion (not permission) before he made the decision to stay with her, and that he is totally nonchalant about the whole thing. He doesn't seem to mind that it's causing me pain.

Most of this is just conjecture and emotional expression. However there are a few facts that I can't ignore, here:

He's told me that his ex-wife accused him of cheating.
He was Article 15'ed from the Army for alleged adultery.
He's staying with another female, tonight.
We haven't been intimate for almost 10 days.
We had a disagreement before he decided to go over to her house.
He's never given me reason not to trust him.
He's promised not to break my trust.

I'm not sure what to do. We've only been together for 3 weeks, but we're already living together. This is something I'm willing to work through, but I'm not going to budge on the fact that he is doing something that I am very weary about, something that is causing me near-physical pain, and he hasn't said a word to me since he left, nor does he seem to care that I don't like him being there. I'm trying not to work myself into a frenzy, because I'm going to need to approach this delicately. I do not want to fly off the handle and start tossing accusations at him as soon as he walks in the door, tomorrow morning.

I want to be able to talk this through, rationally, but I get the feeling that he's going to go on the defensive, again, and we're going to have a blow-out.

This is why I stayed single for so damn long...

Too much drama.

The One...with a side of Skepticism

I'm in love. It's awful, I know. The cynic, the anti-love, anti-commitment, sarcastic woman that my friends have come to know is In Love. Ugh. You know what, though? I'm still jaded, and I'm still a cynic; everything's just a bit more..."Shiny" now.

Ten Years ago, I would have kept my opinions to myself, so I didn't scare off My Life.

Eight years ago, I would have been google-eyed and tripping over myself to make sure My Man was happy.

Five years ago, I would have been too afraid to speak, because I didn't want Master to get angry.

Two years ago, I would have told The Bastard to fuck off.

Last year, I would have fucked It and walked...

Today, I'm happy because I think I've found the balance between bitter and optimistic, jaded and naive, trust and blindness. My Partner and I support each other. He's caring and kind, if not a bit egotistical, sometimes. He loves me for me, but he can be a bit self-centered, on occasion. He's got great stories, and he's got great One-Uppers, too. I'm not so blinded by the emotion that I don't see his faults. I don't love him any less because of them, either.

In the 11 years since I started becoming really interested in the opposite sex (loss of virginity will certainly spike that, won't it? sheesh!), I've gone through a lot of bullshit and heartache. I've blamed myself, when it definitely wasn't my fault. I've blamed the man when if most definitely was my fault. I've "grown up" (Yuck! Take it back! Take it back!) a lot, too. I no longer believe my man hangs the moon, but he damn well better hang his own laundry!

I understand that we're only human. We can't expect anything out of our Other (not Better) Half that we're not willing to do ourselves. If your lover doesn't meet your expectations, reconsider them. Are they over-the-top? Maybe, maybe not. Don't abandon your partner, though, just because they can't follow your expectations. That's your problem more than it is theirs. If it's a deal-breaker, HELP THEM.

My deal-breaker is volatile anger and drinking problems. I will not, absolutely refuse to be near anyone who can't hold their liquor. I won't stay with anybody who has the tendency to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I did it, once. For eight years! Nope. Not again. My Partner has anger problems.

I talk to him about it. I encourage him to let the little things go, and I can see that he's trying to keep his anger controlled. He does a great job, most of the time. When it flares, though, I walk away. I do not argue with him when he's looking for a fight. I do not put up with it, either. Once he's mellowed out, again, I talk to him about it, and how it makes me feel, and we work it out.

I think the best part about this relationship is how well we complement each other. He's excitable and I'm mellow. I'm grounded and he has his head in the clouds. He's playful and I'm serious. I'm a loner, and he loves a party. We're able to find an excellent balance, and I've never had so much fun with someone, doing absolutely nothing, in my life. We butt heads, sometimes, over little things (like driving; I don't trust anyone's driving, except my own), but we accept the fact that we're adults and we're different, and move on.

We've moved fast, going from dating for a week to living together. It's scary and amazing. I think he's The One, but I'm not going to marry him. I'm not going to marry anybody, ever again. I'm perfectly content with spending the rest of my life with someone without a piece of paper.

He's been married twice, before.

I don't know where he stands on getting married, again, but that's something we can talk about, later.