*facepalm*
OK!
It seems I need to go over some very basic rules of relationships. Again.
#1. Don't cheat.
#2. If you're going to cheat, don't be stupid about it.
*sigh*
I'm not an idiot. My heart tends to govern my head, most of the time, but I'm not an idiot. I know when something isn't right. I have instincts. Most people do. This is why, if you're going to cheat on the person who loves you, you need to take extra caution not to raise suspicions. There is no better detective than a suspicious woman. Believe that. (Women cheat, too...however, men tend to be more of the "don't-get-mad-get-even" mindset, so there's less...destruction when a woman is caught...)
I'm not an idiot. (Am I trying to convince myself, or you?)
Yeah...so, long post short...here goes:
How Not to Get Caught Cheating
#1. No paper trails.
This one seems simple as deleting messaging history and using cash, but it's not. Nothing sets off red flags more than a man who spends a lot of time on his phone, with an empty message cache. That $41.50 charge at the gas station, for a pack of gum? ...really, guys? *sighs* Amateurs.
Leave messages in your cache. (Not those ones, you moron...) Don't delete your whole inbox just because of a few naughty messages. As soon as you get a picture of those firm young tits, delete it. If you want to lick your mistress's...(um...yeah...ew, btw...) yahoo, tell her that shit in person. Have a text conversation with your mistress. A normal, everyday conversation, and leave it there to be seen. If your wife asks (AND ONLY IF SHE ASKS!), tell her it's a girl you met online about the same time you met her (your wife), or "Sheila's a gal from the office. I changed her tire the other day. Sweet girl." That's all you need. Change the subject, QUICK, and use some subtlety. (...we'll go over how to be SUBTLE in a minute, just bear with me...)
No cash ATM withdrawals. No huge Cash Back advances ($5-10 when you get gas is usually the best bet, and PAY INSIDE). If you get a paper check, cash it, don't deposit it. Put aside a little cash for your rendezvouses, and deposit the rest in the joint account. Don't open a separate account. (You'll forget a deposit slip, somewhere, someday, and then you're fucked...figuratively speaking.)
#2. Don't stop having sex with your current partner. (Side note: DUH!)
A man will not NOT touch a woman he is attracted to. Period. If he's in love with you (hell, even if he's in LIKE with you, or maybe you just met at the bar, or the movies...), he will paw you from dawn until dusk. Sex is important in a relationship, especially to men. The only reason a man will ever stop fucking HIS woman is because he's either A) no longer attracted to you (tough break, kiddo) or B) Looking to get his rocks off, elsewhere (or he already is). So, if you want to keep the home and the mistress, FUCK YOUR WIFE! (And make her scream, dude...none of this obligatory bullshit, either.)
#3. Stop bragging about it.
Bullshit, you do too. Men have an inherent need to be Bigger and Better. So, when your single buddies start bragging about the girl they banged the night before, you MUST control yourself. One of your guy friends could very well be a friend of your wife, too. It will get back to her. So, stop it!
#4. Don't talk down about your wife to anybody. EVER!
Even the odd comment about nagging wives in the line at the supermarket will dig you into a hole you will not get out of in one piece. You are her champion, even if you are a sniveling, lying dirtbag. She, regardless of what you do behind her back, is the most important person in your life. She's gotten you out of more scraps than your mother, no doubt. Show some fucking respect!
#5. Don't volunteer information.
"Oh, my friend Sheila, at work..." "Sheila said something so funny, today..." "Sheila was flirting with me..." "Sheila..." "Sheila..." "Sheila..." We don't care. K? We don't give a flying fuck what another woman did for you, or to you, or AT you, or WITH you...ever. Ok? As far as we are concerned, WE (wives) are the *only* woman in your life. Period. The more you talk about other women, the more we suspect you. Once we suspect that you're cheating, we're like bloodhounds. Any detail you've forgotten about will be found, and scrutinized deeply. Make it harder for us by never mentioning another woman's name (other than her friends or your family. period) ever.
#6. Be subtle.
I know this one is hard for you. It's not your fault. You are almost *genetically incapable* of being subtle. Even males of other species are more adept at Flashy, LOOK-AT-ME, LOOK-AT-ME, Games than subtlety. It's ok. I'll walk you through it.
Notice that your wife got a haircut? No you didn't...trust me...We don't expect you to notice, so when you do, it's just weird to us. Don't be weird.
See that really hot waitress? Take a look. Don't drool on yourselves or go out of your way to turn around in your chair to see her ass. Glance at her when she walks by the table, and when your wife raises an eyebrow at you, wink and grin. She'll probably roll her eyes and go back to the menu. (Use caution with that one. If you know you have a jealous woman, don't do that one. That one will get you hurt.)
When you see your mistress out and about, don't go out of your way to ignore her. This one is tricky... If you see the Other Woman at a bar, go up and say hi. Give her a brief hug and tell her, quietly, that your wife is there. Then, point her out and tell her to wave. Your wife will get her hackles raised, almost guaranteed (remember that WE are the only women in your life that matter). Now, you head back over to your wife and wait for her to ask questions. Again, DO NOT volunteer information! If she wants to know, she'll ask. If she asks you, keep it brief. "Gal from work..." (GAL or GIRL or LADY...never, ever, ever, ever, FUCKING EVER! use the word "Friend"...dead man walking) "...Gal from work." Yeah. That's all you need to tell her. Don't worry about her asking the other woman. We women are conniving bitches and two-faced as hell. Your mistress doesn't want her ass beaten, so she'll cover for you.
Which brings us to the most important one...
#7. Set expectation and boundaries with the mistress.
Don't forget to do this. Lay down the law, here. Tell her only the truth. We already know you're a coward, so don't promise to leave your wife for her. (You would have left, by now, if you're so unhappy.) Let the other woman know that you have a family, a house and a job that you will not sacrifice for her, and that she is just a release from all that entails.
Do not let her call or text you when you are home.
Do not, under any circumstances, give her your home number or your wife's number. (Idiots.)
Don't add her on Facebook. (Again, idiots.)
She does not exist unless you are at her place, or the hotel. Period. (If she does, then it's time to reconsider the marriage...you're looking for more than just sex.)
Finally, I just have to say, don't cheat. Jesus Christ. You're a grown fucking man. Get over yourself, alright. You made the decision to commit yourself to ONE woman for the rest of your life. Follow through. Don't be a bitch and pull out half-way through the marathon. Jesus. Just....wow, you pussy.
If something is wrong with the relationship you're in, either get out or fix it. Be a fucking man, you pussy.
No comments:
Post a Comment