Day two

So, after my little mental breakdown last night, I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes with the last of my change.

Yeah.

I'm still quitting, but I've decided to take baby steps. I smoked one before bed, after I removed the nicotine patch, and I smoked one this morning, before I put a new patch on. (I can't wear nicotine patches for 24 hours because they give me nasty, vivid, wake-up-screaming nightmares.)

It's helped. I'm less jittery, and my mind is more calm than it was yesterday. Christ that sucked, so much. I'm surprised I got to sleep, at all. It felt like my mind was being invaded by a thousand urges, and not one of them were my own. Never want to experience that again, thanks!

I've had a couple really strong cravings, today, and I've "treated" those with a few drags off a cigarette; just enough to mellow the urge, and take the edge off. The little "nic-fits" I let slide. Those I can talk myself out of, or distract myself from. I'm using the nic-fits to clean. I get a craving, I start cleaning. There's one thing I hate worse than cigarette cravings and that's washing windows. It's a punishment, and a reward, all at once. At least my house will be spotless by the time this is all over.

I'm going to start tomorrow off by going outside and smoking. Once my ashtray is removed from sight, and smell, I think I'll have less of an urge to smoke. It's pretty cold out, this time of year, at 5,000 ft above sea level. That should be a deterrent all on its own. Besides, my orange cat hates smoke, so I'll be doing him a favor, too.

I actually felt really guilty when the clerk handed me that pack of cigarettes; as if I was letting myself down, somehow. Once I sat back and actually thought about it, the reason I got that pack is because I was discouraged. I know that if I had had another day like yesterday, I would have given up and gone back to smoking a pack per day. I know myself well enough to know that if something makes me miserable, I stop doing it.

I'm crossing my fingers that I'm able to follow through, this time. Blogging about it is actually helpful, so I'll keep doing that. I've also upped my caffeine intake, so that will help with the ADD symptoms. It's hard to drink coffee without smoking a cigarette, though, so that's a hurdle all its own.

Day two, half-way over; 12 more to go!

(14 days is the time-frame most psychologists give for starting new habits, and that's the way I'm looking at it. I'm not breaking an old habit, I'm starting a new one.)

Thank You for NOT Smoking

Does anybody have a drill I can borrow, to bore a hole in my head, and let the minions out?

Christ this sucks.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I was actually diagnosed when I was very young, about 5 or 6, so it's not just "Oh Shiny Syndrome", though I have that too!

I've noticed a slight increase in my symptoms over the past year. I'm having more problems focusing on a task, but when I do finally focus, it's getting harder for me to pull myself away from it than it used to be. I daze off into La La Land, more often, and it's harder to track conversations. I get burned out, more easily, by menial, repetitive tasks, so keeping a job is extremely difficult. It's really hard to get me to do anything I don't have an interest in. However, if I find a task that I find stimulating, I spend "too much" time doing it...like the 6 hours I spent reorganizing the candy display at my most-recent retail job. Yeah, boss-lady was *not* happy!

One of those misunderstood things about ADD is that Hyper-Focus is actually a very popular symptom, as is inability to follow directions in the order they were given.

For example, if you suspect that your child has ADD (doubtful; s/he's probably just being a kid), ask them to do a series of tasks: clean your room, take a shower, brush your teeth, change into your pajamas. If they do everything in order, and completely, they're aliens. That's a joke. I digress...

If, when you check on your kiddo, they have their PJ bottoms on, before the shower, and they're standing in the middle of their still-messy room, with a toothbrush in their mouth, looking confused, they might just have ADD. Note that I'm not in any way a medical professional, so...y'know, be a responsible parent and take your kid to the doctor, instead of taking the word of some random blogger...just sayin'.

ADD is treated with stimulants. I don't believe in taking a pill for any minor disorder that has to do with the mind. I believe that the mind is it's own most powerful medicine. (There's exceptions...just overall...)

Mind over matter, right?

HA! Nope.

I did a lot of research as I got into middle school, and my symptoms started becoming "weird" to the other kids. I, like most other young people, just wanted to fit in, so I bottled up my urges, I bridled my impulses, and I kept my mouth shut. Coincidentally, I had a lot of headaches when I was a teenager, and I tended to explode in fits of temporary psychosis...just ask my mother. I was fucking crazy.

I learned that caffeine is a great treatment for mild ADD, which is what I consider myself having; haven't been back to a doctor to check the "severity", ever, so...I take my word for it. After all, I know me best, right? Meh, in theory.

So, I started drinking coffee when I was 11. Yup. I've been a coffee-drinker, ever since. Coffee, especially that which is high in caffeine, like espresso, is...awesome. Just awesome. I love it. It helps bring me back down to Earth, and it quiets the thoughts in my head. It also stops that weird tingly feeling in my hands, and keeps me from fidgeting as much as I normally would...

SO! Now that we're done with the back-story...

Nicotine is also a stimulant.

Ain't that just the shit.

I've decided to quit smoking.

For the past, oh, 15 years or so, I've been a smoker. I've come to the conclusion (which may be a bit premature, considering this is my first day, but...) that I have been treating my ADD with two stimulants, over the years, not just caffeine. The blend of coffee and cigarettes has kept the worst of my symptoms tampered down.

Today has been brutal. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm half-asleep from the nicotine withdrawals, but my mind is going 9000 miles per hour. I can't get my leg to stop shaking, and my hands are in a desperate search for something to mess with. There's a strong pressure right behind my eyes, I keep getting short, but sharp, headaches, and my thoughts are jumbled and practically incoherent, not to mention LOUD!

Now, despite the fact that I want to drill a hole in my head to vent the pressure, I am still determined to quit smoking. If I have to double-up on the black coffee to do so, then so be it. I want my white teeth and pleasant breath back. I want the yellow stains on my fingernails to go away. I want to live to see my 60th birthday, without being on oxygen. Not to mention, that shit's expensive! Seriously, you figure I smoke a pack a day, which is roughly $5 per pack. $5 x 365 days = $1, 825 per year. Yeah! I spent two months of my minimum wage job, each year, just working for cigarettes. Yikes! What could I have spent that time and money on, instead, I wonder?

This is the end of Day One of being a non-smoker. And might I just say, this shit sucks!

Obligation and Entitlement

Men, please, just....listen for a minute, would ya? This is going to come off condescending as fuck, I'm sure, but I don't give a damn. Haven't had my coffee, yet, so you can just...get over it or die pissed off. Either way, not my problem.

And, women, there's something in here for you, too! And it isn't going to be much nicer...

:)

Onto the topic of the day!

Entitlement and Obligation. Both these states of being piss me off, to no end. There are a lot of different variations to both of them, but I'm going to focus on dating, and more specifically SEX!

I'm a slut. I know that, most of my friends know that, and I've developed a reputation as "the girl to call when you're horny," which I find extremely entertaining...but that's a whole 'notha blog post.

I have a FetLife profile. For those who don't know, FetLife is a social networking community dedicated, in the simplest terms, to letting your freak flag fly. It's a place where folks in the BDSM lifestyle can go and not be ridiculed or...well, feared. (They're not as scary as people think they are. Promise.) It's also a place for folks like myself, who like a little kink in the bedroom, but can't fully commit to being a Dom or a Sub, to meet people and share experiences with. It's a welcoming place for society's so-called "underbelly". It's pretty freaking awesome, actually. ...but it's not without it's faults.

I have pictures of my naughty bits posted on said profile. Men have this strange idea that because they've seen a picture of my pussy that they are somehow ENTITLED to getting to see it in person. They think that because they came into a tissue over it, that they should be able to come inside of it. Vulgar, yes? *nods*

That's a false sense of entitlement. 

No, I don't have to sleep with you, just because you deem it necessary, because of something you saw on the fucking internet. I don't. My body is mine, motherfucker. You have zero...let me say that again: ZERO rights to it. Period. I decide what I do with it. I am not obligated to you in any fashion, whatsoever. 

I saw your cock, dude. Doesn't mean I expect to jump right on it. The difference is, I wouldn't try. Why? Because, despite the circumstances behind how I met you, you are a goddamn person. You have feelings and dreams and insecurities and...a life outside the bedroom! What, what?!

Guess what, douche, I'm a person, too. Yes, to the horror of many men, women are real people. We have real emotions and real thoughts and real opinions...and a real foot to shove up your ass, when you push us too far. Trust me, sweetie, no matter how tough and "Dominate" you think you are, a size 9 steel-toe boot to the balls will drop you. And I will do it with a smile on my face, if you corner me. 

"But you put your pussy online. If you don't fuck me, that's false advertising." ...*takes a deep breath*

I'm not a car, dickhead. I'm not "advertising" anything. I posted pictures of myself because I'm proud of my body, every single piece of it. I did it for me. Not you. Got it? (No, probably not...)

"If you don't fuck me, you're just a tease." ... (Really, right now?)

Ok, A) I never said I wasn't going to fuck you, ever. I like being tied up and vulnerable during sex. I will not do that with someone I do not know. Period. If I don't trust you, you're not binding me... and B) If you think I'm teasing you, that's your problem, not mine. I never give false expectations. I have never, ever, said to a man "Come fuck me!" and not followed through. I have a list of guys who can back me up on that. (Keep up the bullshit and you won't ever, never ever, be on that list. Promise!)

Men, you need to get off your fucking high horses and come back down to reality. You are not entitled to jack shit that you haven't earned. Sex is a big fucking deal. A huge deal. It's not just rutting and cumming. It's trust and release, and vulnerability, for both sides. If you can't grasp the fact that emotions will be involved, especially when it's good, then stay out of the pussy and practice grasping your own cock til you grow the fuck up.

Ok, guys, go lick your wounds while I tear into my fellow females.

First of all... What the hell are y'all thinking?!

Stop fucking guys just because you think it's going to keep them around. Stop fucking guys because you think you have to, because you sent them a picture of your boobies...or other parts. Doesn't matter. Stop doing things that you know you're going to regret immediately afterward! Just STOP!

I've consoled many a friend, many times, because they regretted sleeping with a guy. The most popular reasoning I get, when I ask "Why'd you do it, then?" is: "Because he would think I was a tease if I didn't."...

So fucking what?! 

Never ever, EVER!, do anything you don't want to do. To me, that's easy, now. There was a time when I was insecure and wanted to make people like me, so I feel ya! Sex is closeness to another human being, on a level you cannot experience anywhere else... It feels like the man really likes you, in the moment, and that, especially for an insecure person, is strengthening... Guess what, though? Your ability to lay on your back and spread your legs doesn't make men like you! It simply makes them like to cum when you're around. Vulgar, yes? *nods*

Stop being easy. Jesus.

I'm a "slut". ...I think I've mentioned that before...

I like sex. So, I get it, really, I do. Sex is great, and it's exhilarating and it's...just fun! Endorphines rock, dude! Sex is a good, healthy thing, when it's done for the right reasons!

Sex becomes not fun when you do it for the wrong reasons, i.e. because the guy expects it, and you feel obligated to live up to his expectations. Fuck his expectations right to hell. And fuck you for being a little bitch and not standing up for what you want. And deserve! Grow a pair and realize that this world will not stop turning if one penis doesn't enter your vagina. I promise, it won't. 

Your body is yours, ladies. Yours. Not his. Not your mother's, even though they like to think that they own it, because it came out of their uterus. Nope. Sorry, Ma. It's ours. Fuck off. 

And, hey, if some douche stops talking to you, because you didn't fall on his dick out of obligation or insecurity, that's his problem. Not yours. If he wants pussy that bad, he can call an escort service and pay for it, or he can go without. Won't kill him. 

Another thing! Stop agreeing to sleep with them, without protection, if you don't want to. "But baby it feels so good!" ...yeah, you know what else feels good? Not having herpes. If you choose to go without a rubber, that's your risk, and I won't fault you for it. I've done it. But don't act shocked when you get an STD, or those two little lines show up on that pregnancy test. You made a decision; live with the consequences.

I feel like I'm pandering to teenagers, because it seems like common sense to me. Don't force yourself on anybody, by the use of guilt, and don't give in to make them like you. Treat others like you want to be treated...

Better yet! Ladies, behave as if you would want your daughter to behave, were she put in a similar situation. Would you want her to lay down, just because she showed her tits to a guy and she felt obligated and pressured? ...Think about that for a minute. Let that anger and shame get you worked up. Now, hold onto that feeling and harness it for the next time you decide to lay down for a man you don't want to lay down for.

And, guys...you still here?... Treat women like you would want men to treat your daughter. Simplicity at its finest. If some jackass told your daughter that she was obligated to sleep with them, because she sent them a picture of her tits, you'd probably want to kill them, or at least make them bleed, right? (If you're a good Dad, then the answer is a resounding YES!) Then why the fuck are you doing it to someone else's daughter?!

Oh, and just a little PS, at the end here: Ladies and gentlemen, if both parties aren't fully involved in the consent to sexual activities, be it second-thoughts, or inebriation, or whatever the case may be, that's rape. If a woman says STOP halfway through intercourse, and you don't stop, fellas, that's rape. Ladies, if a guy decides that he doesn't want to fuck you, even after he's hard, but you jump on anyway, that's rape! Don't go there. Just...stop. The orgasm is not worth breaking somebody's spirit.

I could go on for hours about this shit, and maybe I'll post another blog about it, once I've had coffee and nicotine, but for now, let's just not be a dick, K?