First on the list of importance (I'm not going chronologically, here, FYI) is the fact that I've sworn off men this year. I'm done with the over-bearing assholes who build me up just to destroy me later on. I'm done with the constant questions. I'm done with not being able to make my own decisions, without having to answer to some guy who is, most-likely, only in it for the sex, in the first place. I dealt with a controlling, condescending man for nearly 6 years. I'd leave him, but I always went back, because I was "lonely." Fucking pathetic! He, and others, screwed me over so bad, that I am now a jaded, paranoid mess of a woman. They, however, seem just fine, and take no responsibility for my heartache. It's ridiculous, the kind of pleasure they must get from my pain. Well, hell. No, I can't put it all on them, either. I am, at best, hard to live with; at worst, easy to please. Don't worry, it messes with their heads, too.
You see, from my experience, men have been trained on the ways to handle women for their entire lives, whether through observation, or their own experiences. Then, I come along and blow every preconceived notion they have right out of the water. I don't like the lovey-dovey, mushy crap that most girls fall for. If you profess your love for me the first month (hell, the first six months) that we're together, I'm going to run for the hills, screaming. I don't want to live with you, probably ever. I like my own space. I'm not a recluse, by any definition of the word, but I don't like everybody "all up in my business," either. I like the convenience and ease of a "friend with benefits" type scenario. Don't get me wrong, here, folks. I enjoy affection. I enjoy the idea of a relationship. I'm just not very good at it, it seems.
Or, rather, I'm not good at everybody else's definition of a relationship. I'd be the perfect girl for somebody who travels a lot, actually. Most women want their men close-by so they can keep tabs on them; make sure they aren't cheating, or being otherwise deceitful. I don't. I give everything I have to my men. Every ounce of emotion, good or bad, is thrown at them every minute I am with them. It's draining after a while and I need time to be alone, and recharge. I've screwed up relationships in the past because I wasn't getting that recharge time at home. I was able to find it somewhere else, and we all know how that turns out.
I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. In fact, I'll be the first to point out my flaws; all you have to do is ask the right question. I don't fit in any category, that I'm aware of, anyway. I'm a girlie-tomboy, a self-righteous, self-less, caring, cold-hearted, give-until-I-have-nothing-left, woman. Damn if that doesn't irritate everybody! (Also, I cuss like a sailor and strut in 4-inch high heels.)
That being said, men, as a whole, don't understand how to handle me. I'm thick-skinned, but sensitive; serious, but light-hearted. I'm a fucking paradox within a mystery, within a god-damned bubble. I don't understand me, sometimes, so I get why they are so confused. They probably think I have "daddy issues" and need somebody to take care of me. Wrong! As a matter of fact, that's the exact line that will have me fit-to-be-tied: "I want to take care of you." Fuck you! I've done just fine on my own, so far, I don't need you, so back off that idea, right now. See what I mean? I get riled-up just thinking about somebody telling me that. *calm breath* Now, where was I? Oh, yes, that's right: men and my aversion to relationships.
Let's step off of that for just a minute so I can try to explain myself better, because I'm sure I've been jumping all over the place, and you're probably at least a tiny bit confused. I am serious when I say that I put everything I have into a relationship. I don't believe in fate. I believe that it takes a lot of effort for that fairy-tale romance to blossom, and I'm not about to miss out on that, just because I was too guarded, or because I didn't do everything in my power to make it work.
I've been broken because of that philosophy, but it hasn't changed the way I am. It's only changed how I choose the men worthy enough of my time. (Damn, that sounded conceited in my head, and even more-so when I typed it out.) I don't believe that any person, man or woman, should sell themselves short. Ever. You get what you think you deserve, so if you accept whatever that comes along, because it's convenient, you'll get burned. I know what I want in a man. I will also know, within the first two weeks, whether or not the man I'm with will be able to provide that. I don't lead people on, and I don't hold back.
So...yeah...aversion to relationships: I like my own space. I don't like answering to anyone. However, I am a control-freak, so I want people to answer to me...which is a problem, and one of the main reasons I have boycotted companionship this year. I need to fix that. I've been heartbroken, and it's left me jaded and generally wary of mens' intent. But I still love like I won't wake up tomorrow. *sigh* I get the feeling I'm rambling and repeating myself, now, so I'll sign off.
Thanks for reading.
