Jealousy or Caution?

Something happened tonight that got me thinking...and probably over-thinking. My stomach is in knots, which is raising red-flags, and my instincts are screaming for me to pull back because I'm going to get hurt. I'm trying to ignore it, simply because I'm having these feelings because they are preconceived and based solely on how somebody other than my current partner has treated me. He has been nothing but caring and genuine...he's not the one who hurt me...

But it still hurts.

My Partner has a lot of female friends, which is totally cool, because I have more guy friends than girl friends. Not even a problem. I am, however, uncomfortable with the fact that he is spending the night at one of his "just friends" houses, tonight.

I trust him. He's never given me reason not to, but I am extremely uncomfortable with him staying over at another female's house. I know he would be upset if I were to spend the night with another man. That is exactly why I wouldn't sleep over at another man's house; I don't want him to be uncomfortable. It's something we're supposed to do, right? We're supposed to make sure we don't do anything that would cause them pain...?

Now, something else that bothers me about tonight is that he immediately went on the defensive when I told him that I was uncomfortable with the situation. "You gonna get pissed because I'm hanging out with a friend?" Didn't say I was mad. I said I was uncomfortable. I'll never, ever tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. He has a life separate from me, just as I have a life separate from him.

The problem I'm having, here, is not that I think he's going to cheat on me; the problem I'm having is that he got defensive when I expressed my discomfort, that he didn't ask my opinion (not permission) before he made the decision to stay with her, and that he is totally nonchalant about the whole thing. He doesn't seem to mind that it's causing me pain.

Most of this is just conjecture and emotional expression. However there are a few facts that I can't ignore, here:

He's told me that his ex-wife accused him of cheating.
He was Article 15'ed from the Army for alleged adultery.
He's staying with another female, tonight.
We haven't been intimate for almost 10 days.
We had a disagreement before he decided to go over to her house.
He's never given me reason not to trust him.
He's promised not to break my trust.

I'm not sure what to do. We've only been together for 3 weeks, but we're already living together. This is something I'm willing to work through, but I'm not going to budge on the fact that he is doing something that I am very weary about, something that is causing me near-physical pain, and he hasn't said a word to me since he left, nor does he seem to care that I don't like him being there. I'm trying not to work myself into a frenzy, because I'm going to need to approach this delicately. I do not want to fly off the handle and start tossing accusations at him as soon as he walks in the door, tomorrow morning.

I want to be able to talk this through, rationally, but I get the feeling that he's going to go on the defensive, again, and we're going to have a blow-out.

This is why I stayed single for so damn long...

Too much drama.

The One...with a side of Skepticism

I'm in love. It's awful, I know. The cynic, the anti-love, anti-commitment, sarcastic woman that my friends have come to know is In Love. Ugh. You know what, though? I'm still jaded, and I'm still a cynic; everything's just a bit more..."Shiny" now.

Ten Years ago, I would have kept my opinions to myself, so I didn't scare off My Life.

Eight years ago, I would have been google-eyed and tripping over myself to make sure My Man was happy.

Five years ago, I would have been too afraid to speak, because I didn't want Master to get angry.

Two years ago, I would have told The Bastard to fuck off.

Last year, I would have fucked It and walked...

Today, I'm happy because I think I've found the balance between bitter and optimistic, jaded and naive, trust and blindness. My Partner and I support each other. He's caring and kind, if not a bit egotistical, sometimes. He loves me for me, but he can be a bit self-centered, on occasion. He's got great stories, and he's got great One-Uppers, too. I'm not so blinded by the emotion that I don't see his faults. I don't love him any less because of them, either.

In the 11 years since I started becoming really interested in the opposite sex (loss of virginity will certainly spike that, won't it? sheesh!), I've gone through a lot of bullshit and heartache. I've blamed myself, when it definitely wasn't my fault. I've blamed the man when if most definitely was my fault. I've "grown up" (Yuck! Take it back! Take it back!) a lot, too. I no longer believe my man hangs the moon, but he damn well better hang his own laundry!

I understand that we're only human. We can't expect anything out of our Other (not Better) Half that we're not willing to do ourselves. If your lover doesn't meet your expectations, reconsider them. Are they over-the-top? Maybe, maybe not. Don't abandon your partner, though, just because they can't follow your expectations. That's your problem more than it is theirs. If it's a deal-breaker, HELP THEM.

My deal-breaker is volatile anger and drinking problems. I will not, absolutely refuse to be near anyone who can't hold their liquor. I won't stay with anybody who has the tendency to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I did it, once. For eight years! Nope. Not again. My Partner has anger problems.

I talk to him about it. I encourage him to let the little things go, and I can see that he's trying to keep his anger controlled. He does a great job, most of the time. When it flares, though, I walk away. I do not argue with him when he's looking for a fight. I do not put up with it, either. Once he's mellowed out, again, I talk to him about it, and how it makes me feel, and we work it out.

I think the best part about this relationship is how well we complement each other. He's excitable and I'm mellow. I'm grounded and he has his head in the clouds. He's playful and I'm serious. I'm a loner, and he loves a party. We're able to find an excellent balance, and I've never had so much fun with someone, doing absolutely nothing, in my life. We butt heads, sometimes, over little things (like driving; I don't trust anyone's driving, except my own), but we accept the fact that we're adults and we're different, and move on.

We've moved fast, going from dating for a week to living together. It's scary and amazing. I think he's The One, but I'm not going to marry him. I'm not going to marry anybody, ever again. I'm perfectly content with spending the rest of my life with someone without a piece of paper.

He's been married twice, before.

I don't know where he stands on getting married, again, but that's something we can talk about, later.