Day two

So, after my little mental breakdown last night, I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes with the last of my change.

Yeah.

I'm still quitting, but I've decided to take baby steps. I smoked one before bed, after I removed the nicotine patch, and I smoked one this morning, before I put a new patch on. (I can't wear nicotine patches for 24 hours because they give me nasty, vivid, wake-up-screaming nightmares.)

It's helped. I'm less jittery, and my mind is more calm than it was yesterday. Christ that sucked, so much. I'm surprised I got to sleep, at all. It felt like my mind was being invaded by a thousand urges, and not one of them were my own. Never want to experience that again, thanks!

I've had a couple really strong cravings, today, and I've "treated" those with a few drags off a cigarette; just enough to mellow the urge, and take the edge off. The little "nic-fits" I let slide. Those I can talk myself out of, or distract myself from. I'm using the nic-fits to clean. I get a craving, I start cleaning. There's one thing I hate worse than cigarette cravings and that's washing windows. It's a punishment, and a reward, all at once. At least my house will be spotless by the time this is all over.

I'm going to start tomorrow off by going outside and smoking. Once my ashtray is removed from sight, and smell, I think I'll have less of an urge to smoke. It's pretty cold out, this time of year, at 5,000 ft above sea level. That should be a deterrent all on its own. Besides, my orange cat hates smoke, so I'll be doing him a favor, too.

I actually felt really guilty when the clerk handed me that pack of cigarettes; as if I was letting myself down, somehow. Once I sat back and actually thought about it, the reason I got that pack is because I was discouraged. I know that if I had had another day like yesterday, I would have given up and gone back to smoking a pack per day. I know myself well enough to know that if something makes me miserable, I stop doing it.

I'm crossing my fingers that I'm able to follow through, this time. Blogging about it is actually helpful, so I'll keep doing that. I've also upped my caffeine intake, so that will help with the ADD symptoms. It's hard to drink coffee without smoking a cigarette, though, so that's a hurdle all its own.

Day two, half-way over; 12 more to go!

(14 days is the time-frame most psychologists give for starting new habits, and that's the way I'm looking at it. I'm not breaking an old habit, I'm starting a new one.)