Day two

So, after my little mental breakdown last night, I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes with the last of my change.

Yeah.

I'm still quitting, but I've decided to take baby steps. I smoked one before bed, after I removed the nicotine patch, and I smoked one this morning, before I put a new patch on. (I can't wear nicotine patches for 24 hours because they give me nasty, vivid, wake-up-screaming nightmares.)

It's helped. I'm less jittery, and my mind is more calm than it was yesterday. Christ that sucked, so much. I'm surprised I got to sleep, at all. It felt like my mind was being invaded by a thousand urges, and not one of them were my own. Never want to experience that again, thanks!

I've had a couple really strong cravings, today, and I've "treated" those with a few drags off a cigarette; just enough to mellow the urge, and take the edge off. The little "nic-fits" I let slide. Those I can talk myself out of, or distract myself from. I'm using the nic-fits to clean. I get a craving, I start cleaning. There's one thing I hate worse than cigarette cravings and that's washing windows. It's a punishment, and a reward, all at once. At least my house will be spotless by the time this is all over.

I'm going to start tomorrow off by going outside and smoking. Once my ashtray is removed from sight, and smell, I think I'll have less of an urge to smoke. It's pretty cold out, this time of year, at 5,000 ft above sea level. That should be a deterrent all on its own. Besides, my orange cat hates smoke, so I'll be doing him a favor, too.

I actually felt really guilty when the clerk handed me that pack of cigarettes; as if I was letting myself down, somehow. Once I sat back and actually thought about it, the reason I got that pack is because I was discouraged. I know that if I had had another day like yesterday, I would have given up and gone back to smoking a pack per day. I know myself well enough to know that if something makes me miserable, I stop doing it.

I'm crossing my fingers that I'm able to follow through, this time. Blogging about it is actually helpful, so I'll keep doing that. I've also upped my caffeine intake, so that will help with the ADD symptoms. It's hard to drink coffee without smoking a cigarette, though, so that's a hurdle all its own.

Day two, half-way over; 12 more to go!

(14 days is the time-frame most psychologists give for starting new habits, and that's the way I'm looking at it. I'm not breaking an old habit, I'm starting a new one.)

Thank You for NOT Smoking

Does anybody have a drill I can borrow, to bore a hole in my head, and let the minions out?

Christ this sucks.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I was actually diagnosed when I was very young, about 5 or 6, so it's not just "Oh Shiny Syndrome", though I have that too!

I've noticed a slight increase in my symptoms over the past year. I'm having more problems focusing on a task, but when I do finally focus, it's getting harder for me to pull myself away from it than it used to be. I daze off into La La Land, more often, and it's harder to track conversations. I get burned out, more easily, by menial, repetitive tasks, so keeping a job is extremely difficult. It's really hard to get me to do anything I don't have an interest in. However, if I find a task that I find stimulating, I spend "too much" time doing it...like the 6 hours I spent reorganizing the candy display at my most-recent retail job. Yeah, boss-lady was *not* happy!

One of those misunderstood things about ADD is that Hyper-Focus is actually a very popular symptom, as is inability to follow directions in the order they were given.

For example, if you suspect that your child has ADD (doubtful; s/he's probably just being a kid), ask them to do a series of tasks: clean your room, take a shower, brush your teeth, change into your pajamas. If they do everything in order, and completely, they're aliens. That's a joke. I digress...

If, when you check on your kiddo, they have their PJ bottoms on, before the shower, and they're standing in the middle of their still-messy room, with a toothbrush in their mouth, looking confused, they might just have ADD. Note that I'm not in any way a medical professional, so...y'know, be a responsible parent and take your kid to the doctor, instead of taking the word of some random blogger...just sayin'.

ADD is treated with stimulants. I don't believe in taking a pill for any minor disorder that has to do with the mind. I believe that the mind is it's own most powerful medicine. (There's exceptions...just overall...)

Mind over matter, right?

HA! Nope.

I did a lot of research as I got into middle school, and my symptoms started becoming "weird" to the other kids. I, like most other young people, just wanted to fit in, so I bottled up my urges, I bridled my impulses, and I kept my mouth shut. Coincidentally, I had a lot of headaches when I was a teenager, and I tended to explode in fits of temporary psychosis...just ask my mother. I was fucking crazy.

I learned that caffeine is a great treatment for mild ADD, which is what I consider myself having; haven't been back to a doctor to check the "severity", ever, so...I take my word for it. After all, I know me best, right? Meh, in theory.

So, I started drinking coffee when I was 11. Yup. I've been a coffee-drinker, ever since. Coffee, especially that which is high in caffeine, like espresso, is...awesome. Just awesome. I love it. It helps bring me back down to Earth, and it quiets the thoughts in my head. It also stops that weird tingly feeling in my hands, and keeps me from fidgeting as much as I normally would...

SO! Now that we're done with the back-story...

Nicotine is also a stimulant.

Ain't that just the shit.

I've decided to quit smoking.

For the past, oh, 15 years or so, I've been a smoker. I've come to the conclusion (which may be a bit premature, considering this is my first day, but...) that I have been treating my ADD with two stimulants, over the years, not just caffeine. The blend of coffee and cigarettes has kept the worst of my symptoms tampered down.

Today has been brutal. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm half-asleep from the nicotine withdrawals, but my mind is going 9000 miles per hour. I can't get my leg to stop shaking, and my hands are in a desperate search for something to mess with. There's a strong pressure right behind my eyes, I keep getting short, but sharp, headaches, and my thoughts are jumbled and practically incoherent, not to mention LOUD!

Now, despite the fact that I want to drill a hole in my head to vent the pressure, I am still determined to quit smoking. If I have to double-up on the black coffee to do so, then so be it. I want my white teeth and pleasant breath back. I want the yellow stains on my fingernails to go away. I want to live to see my 60th birthday, without being on oxygen. Not to mention, that shit's expensive! Seriously, you figure I smoke a pack a day, which is roughly $5 per pack. $5 x 365 days = $1, 825 per year. Yeah! I spent two months of my minimum wage job, each year, just working for cigarettes. Yikes! What could I have spent that time and money on, instead, I wonder?

This is the end of Day One of being a non-smoker. And might I just say, this shit sucks!