Wow...Stereotype, much?

I have an online dating profile. A lot of us do, at this point, so that's not a huge surprise. However, I do get shocked by what men get away with saying in their profiles, on a daily basis. Here are some of my favorites:

"Women don't know what they want..."

"I'll treat you like a Queen..."

"I'm a nice guy, but women don't like nice guys..."

"Just looking for FWB, no drama..."

Taking those one-liners out of context, they aren't so bad.  The first guy's profile went on to say that he would make sure that you got everything you didn't know you wanted. He'd also be so kind as to help you through difficult times, like childbearing, cleaning the house, and...Wait... Is this 1950?

The King, HA!, says that he'll lavish you with fine gifts like jewelry, spa days, and make sure that he does the cooking every now and then, too. He also won't be an absentee Father...Again, DAMMIT! Why can't you just stay out of my damn kitchen and let me raise the children like I'm supposed to do?!

The next one made me giggle all the way through the profile. He claims to be a nice guy. Maybe he is, but being nice and buying a woman's affection are not the same thing. He says he'll spoil his woman with lavish gifts, because being a mother is hard work and "you deserve only the best."... You know what else is hard work? Dealing with douchebags who think that the only thing a woman will ever do that will challenge her is raise children...

"Looking for FWB, no drama". Yeah, right. "I'll take you out somewhere nice and romance you," but he's not looking for drama? Is he sure? If you want to get laid, dude, do what the rest of us do. Pick up some poor schmuck at the bar. Leave the DATING websites to people who want to DATE!

Where do I start?

I don't think any of this is men's fault. They have been conditioned, by the media, by cartoons and comic books, by everyday life, that women are just... "soft". We women haven't done much to change the Ideal, for a long time. Sure, some of us work in "A Man's World," and some of us have more balls than men do, but most of us are lost. I'm not condemning those who chose to stay in the home and be that perfect housewife. Do your thing, if that's what makes you happy, but don't chastise the ones who have chosen not to have children, because they want a career.

There are so many stereotypes out there about women. We're nurturing, we like children, we fall in love easily, we like jewelry and chocolate and flowers, we love make-up and getting our hair and nails done, and we make good nurses, receptionists, and cashiers. Excuse me while I projectile vomit.

There.

That's better.

I don't like kids. I love my niece and nephew, but that "adorable" baby your friend just had? It looks like a pink blob. That screaming toddler isn't "going through a phase", it's just annoying. The 12-year-old girl with an attitude isn't "trying to find herself", she's just being a bitch.

I don't like jewelry, or makeup or getting my hair done. I own four bracelets. Two are Avengers Roxo bracelets, one is a rubber cookie monster thing, and the other is a leather strap. My earrings are 10 gauge, and going up...I haven't worn a ring since I lost my second turtle ring. And I won't wear makeup. Other women claim that it makes them feel better about themselves. I just get self-conscious when I'm done up, so it kind of defeats the purpose...

You know what I'm good at? Fixing shit. I've repaired plumbing, cars, wiring; installed windows and doors, rewired sound systems...most of the stereo-typically MALE things...that's what I'm good at. I love cars, trains, planes, motorcycles...if it has a motor, I'm enthralled by it. I like guns. I like getting dirty. I love hard, back-breaking, work. I enjoy working up a sweat. I cuss, I drink, I smoke. I play bloody, violent video games. And, I love sex.

My first thought, at this point, is to try and soften myself, because men like "Ladies"...*gags*... I could tell you about how feminine I can be, from time to time, and try to make myself more appealing, but I'm not going to. Why? Because fuck you and your stereotypes, that's why! I am me. I'm a selfish, self-righteous bitch, and I get along just fine without a man.

"But you have a dating profile!"

Yes, I do! Glad you noticed! I'm not going to bullshit you into thinking I'm some soft, kind, sweet, "proper" woman, and then have you get all shocked when I crawl under the car to change the oil, with a beer in my hand, belching all the way. I am who I am, and that's all that I am...(I am who I am. I'm a hooligan...sorry, had to finish the lyric)

You can't handle me. That's not a challenge. It's just a fact. A lot of the guys I've met are intrigued that I'm into cars and sports and shooting... They think it'd be nice to take their girlfriend with them to a game, or to the range. It's all fine and dandy, til they tell me to make them dinner, and I say, "Fuck off, your legs ain't broke. Make your own dinner." Then, proceed to sit down with my food and eat in front of them.

You won't handle me. You think you will, but you're wrong.

A Little One on One Time

I was involved with a married man in 2006. The affair lasted for five months, the scars from that affair have been with me for four years. I was 20, looking for attention I wasn't getting at home, and he was 38...ignored at home and looking for easy booty.

I've been called home-wrecker, whore, tasteless...but I don't care. I don't regret it. Let me say that again, I don't regret it. I learned a lot from that man, and the experience. He brought me out of myself. I was terrified (shy doesn't quite cover it) before him. We spent nearly every night at his house, while his wife was at work.

He never made promises and I never expected anything from him. I loved him. Stupidly, yes, but I did fall completely in love with that man. He loved me, but he never told me he'd leave her for me. I knew better anyway. They never leave their spouse. I've seen enough lifetime movies to know better.

His wife eventually found an email he had written to me. Our love came to a very abrupt end.

My boyfriend knew about it, long before I confessed. It took weeks of crying to convince him to stay. It's been four years, but the respect he had for me hasn't healed. Not completely. I don't blame him, though. It was my actions that caused his heart ache. I wouldn't trust me anymore, either.

I tell you that story, to tell you this one:

Since about a year after the affair, I've been jokingly telling everyone that I am going to write a "How to Cheat and Not Get Caught," handbook. We'd all share a good laugh, and joke about the things to be included. I never thought I'd get ever get published, so I thought, "What's the point?"

I'm going to do it. I'm going to write my handbook as a series of blogs. You can call me tasteless, you can complain, you can tell me it's immoral. I don't care. I figure, if it's going to happen, anyway, the less pain you cause, the better.

"What they don't know won't hurt them."