Baring my soul, here... I have friends that I could talk to about this, I'm sure, but they all have their own problems, so mine just seem trivial. Don't want to be a burden, so...I'm getting it all out of my system, here, before it eats me alive.
I talk a big game when it comes to dating. I'm always saying that I won't sleep with a guy on the first date, and that I want respect, blah blah blah. When it comes right down to it, though, that's a bold-face lie. I don't respect myself and I don't demand respect from men. This week, I've slept with 3 men. In my life, just shy of 30. And you just thought, "Wow, what a slut." Yeah, pretty much how I feel, too. Sex is attention. Unfortunately, it's been so long since I've gotten the "right" kind of attention from men that I'll take what I can get. I don't feel powerful or womanly...I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel like a whore.
I don't know why I felt the need to post this for the world to read...
These guys are great guys, but they'll never want to be with me. Especially now that I've slept with them. Weird how that works... Guys want women to fuck them, but when it comes to bringing someone home to Mommy, they want a virgin...or at least someone who will make them work for sex. That's not me. That's the person I want to be, but I'm just so afraid of being alone that I go along with whatever they want, so they won't leave me. Guess what? They leave me, anyway.
Bah. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I want to be wanted. I'm so unbelievably lonely and sad. It doesn't help that I'm so painfully shy and unsure of myself that when I do go on dates, I usually blow it. I'm socially awkward... Just like I was in high school. There was a time in my life, recently even, that I felt like I could do anything, talk to anyone, be myself around guys and they'd like me. (This was a time when I *wasn't single*.) That time flew right past me. I'm back to being the weird girl. I say the wrong things. I turn guys off, but not enough that they won't have an orgasm inside me; just enough that they won't call me the next day.
No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sad. I'm lonely. I feel...incomplete. Fuck if that isn't exactly how I was raised NOT to feel. "Never let a man complete you." Yeah, well, I guess I listened to that advice...I've got no man TO complete me, so I'm incomplete.
Last night, I went over to a man's house. I'm genuinely interested in him, but I doubt that he's going to want anything to do with me, now. We fucked. Yes, I had an orgasm. So did he. Afterwards, the only thing I could think of was how badly I wanted a shower. I wanted to cry. As it was, I did shed a couple tears, while he was out of the room. I stayed for a couple hours and half-ass watched a movie, then got out of there and let him sleep. He invited me to stay, but I couldn't do it. I needed to break down and guys don't like a crying woman. So, I cried on the drive home, and I cried when I got home, and I'm still crying.
I don't know when I changed, but I don't like this side of me. I don't like sleeping with guys to feel wanted and loved, only to end up feeling dirty and used. I don't like not being able to talk to my friends, or cry around them because nobody has seen me cry in years, and they don't know how to act, when I do. I want my best friend back. He'd let me cry. He wouldn't say a word; just hold me. I miss that, so much.
This is the real me. I'm vulnerable and weak. Hell, I can't even hold down a job. I fuck men to make them like me. I feel like I've been left behind. I'm not the tough girl that everyone thinks I am...that's a bullshit facade. That's what they wanted (or needed) to see, so that's what they see.
Yup. So that's that. I'm going to go scrub the whore off my skin and do some crying. Alone.
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